Rascunho
Eu disse: Não se preocupe, chegaremos lá. “Don’t you worry, we will get there”.
Como se tivéssemos todo tempo do mundo.
Como se não estivéssemos fadados a desaparecer.
Eu não sabia para onde estávamos indo, mas era noite.
Sempre é, certo?
Errado.
Meu amigo viu a gente partindo, me abraçou e disse: Se você quer ser feliz, então não pode se divertir. “If you want to be happy, you can’t have fun”.
Que diabos, Nicola? Que diabos isso quer dizer?
E enquanto caminhávamos pelas ruas molhadas de Toulouse, no meio do outono, com as folhas amareladas delicadamente despencadas na rua, que se estatelam quando pisamos, crack, crack, crack, mas que na verdade soam como tique-taque, tique-taque, uma piada do Universo, corra, corra porque está acabando. De toda forma, enquanto caminhávamos, era só nessa frase que pensava.
“If you want to be happy, you can’t have fun”.
Mas eu só quero me divertir.
Você me guiava pela noite, o asfalto molhado por causa da chuva, e eu pensei que você poderia até mesmo estar me levando para o inferno e eu nem saberia.
Eu sei que você falava algo importante demais, e eu não conseguia fazer meu cérebro digerir as palavras. Vinte e seis letras no alfabeto e três tipos de línguas diferentes. Não importava em qual delas você estivesse falando, eu esqueceria todas.
De fato, esqueci.
Tinha bebido uma, duas, três, quatro… Todos os tipos de bebida, nem eu sei mais. Te parei na rua, olhei nos seus olhos e disse: preciso fazer com que isso seja memorável, senão não vou me lembrar amanhã. Você falou.
Não me lembrei e continuo a não me lembrar.
Mas me lembro da outra noite, quando estava com esses saltos riduculamente altos e tropecei, você me pegou, riu e perguntou: Will you fall? E eu sabia que não era desse tipo de queda que falava, e sim da queda menos óbvia: Você vai se apaixonar por mim?
Minha vontade era recitar os trechos da minha banda preferida: "I know I’m gonna fall, and you will be waiting for it all”. Mas claro que não disse nada. Me desvencilhei de você e com os olhos mais sombrios, disse: No. I. Am. Not. Gonna. Fall.
Mas 5 meses depois, caímos juntos. Você, indo embora, eu, ficando. Pela primeira vez, ficando. É melhor saber que algo está acabando ou não saber? É isso que venho me perguntando nos últimos meses. E é óbvio que sei a resposta. Essa memória, essa história, estará intacta para sempre. Isso acabou não porque estragamos tudo. Não porque eu não fui boa o suficiente. Ou porque fui muito o tempo todo. Isso está acabando porque você está partindo.
Ninguém falhou. Ninguém estragou nada.
Aos 50 anos, vou me lembrar dessa história. Dessas noites de coragem pura. E vou sentir orgulho. Porque apesar de toda ansiedade, de horas intermináveis esperando por mensagens suas, de encarar o fundo do copo e pensar onde você está, apesar de tudo, eu sei que no final nós dois tivemos uma segunda chance.
O rascunho da história foi a melhor versão possível.
O rascunho é a melhor versão de nós dois.
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